Friday, November 20, 2009

Doctor visit

I really despise going to the doctor but in my current situation it is necessary so I made my first appointment on Thursday. According to the nurse practitioner that did the exam, they are putting me at approximately 18 weeks, while the original date (based on my last menstrual cycle) puts me at about 20 weeks. I did get to hear the baby's heartbeat on Thursday. I had forgotten how cool that was the first time around. We only heard one heartbeat so that is a plus!
I am going back on December 2nd for a sonogram which will verify that there is only one kid in there. Hopefully, we will also get to see if we will be having a boy or a girl. I have two girls that I gave birth to already and he has a little boy of his own. So far, I have gotten two votes for a boy and no votes for a girl from friends. They are telling me that I have to have at least one boy. Any thoughts from you, my fair readers?
That's all for today.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

My big sis

In my biological family, there are 4 siblings. I am the oldest of 3 girls and 1 boy. However, since I have been in AZ, I have come to consider my closest friends to be family as well. In that regard, I have 2 more sisters and 4 brothers who I love very much. My older sister just found out that she may have to go in for surgery soon and they are not sure if she will make it through surgery. From a blood infection, cysts all over, to chest cold and the start of pneumonia, I am really scared for her. The doctor is telling her that they are going to hve to crack her ribs apart in order to do the surgery and seeing as how they are wondering about how she is still walking around does not bode well for her making it through surgery.
Why am I posting this? I am scared for her, not going to lie at all. Therefore, i am asking all of you, Please, Please, keep her in your thoughts, send good thoughts, vibes, prayers, or whatever her way. I could really use some help staying positive for her as well as helping her stay positive.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Over and done with!!!!!

Since January of 2008, my children have been in the custody of CPS. Due to some stupid mistakes and poor decisions, they were taken from us. I can gladly say that as of October, 2009, the children are finally completely back in my custody. It has been a long, hard road and it is so fucking good to have them back! They are doing well in school. Lilith is in the orchestra and plays the violin and Isis is doing so well that I got her a new kitten. He is a little black kitty named Webster.
I have started a new job, still in tech support. In training now for the next 5 weeks. It is not too bad though. Part time, so I am only in a classroom for 4 hours a day. I am still involved with the Envisage 2009 project. It is a lot of fun and I find myself taking some weird pictures of random objects that make up my day every day. The hardest part is remembering to take a picture every day, LOL.
Anywhoo, that is all for now.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

RIP Mr Beeks

I found out yesterday that my friend and supervisor at work passed away. He was a great supervisor and an even better person. I owe everything that I did at that job to him. He was willing to get me the help that I needed in the beginning and when I came into my own there, he was able to make sure that I was able to pass my knowledge along to other n00bs. My thoughts go out to his widow and I hope that somehow she reads this and knows that her husband touched many lives. Will was an embodiment of living life and not taking anything for granted. While most people never see their bosses in a social setting other than work, he was willing to let people show that he was just one of the regular guys. He never seemed to think that he was better than anyone else and that rubbed off on a lot of people. A friend put it best when he said, "From eating pizza and playing the Wii in team meetings, to helping him paint his house it has been fun! You will always be remembered as one of the best!"
While I never actually helped paint his house, I do remember the housewarming party and getting to chill with him, his wife, and a bunch of the guys from work. It was a lot of fun and one of the best times that I had this past year.
I hope that wherever his is, he is at peace and able to breathe freely.

RIP Will Beeks, you are loved and missed.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Yay for bloggy goodness!

I just want to say that I think it is awesome to have a place to voice my thoughts and think that other people read them. So to my readers, I say thanks! Now with that off my chest, on to other things.

My mother found out that I am pregnant. I had not planned on telling her yet but she friended me on Facebook and I had mentioned it on there and she found out. Fortunately, she is not mad at me for it. I had honestly planned on telling her in about a month or so, so I think she forgave me. 

I have been busy with the photography project at Envisage 2009. I am loving this project and will admit to a certain degree of egotism knowing that other people are out there checking out my pictures and getting a glimpse into the wonderful world of SororRavn!

In the world of kids, my daughters have been doing a fundraiser for school and I gotta hand it to my friends, they really came through for them! Between the two of them, we have sold almost 20 items, not counting on what I intend to purchase.

This week saw me getting my Halloween decorations up. It is amazing what you can get at the Dollar Tree. I spent about $10 - $15 on the decorations and it is looks amazing, if I do say so myself. ^_^ 

Speaking of the holidays, I am making plans now for a trip back to Texas for the holidays. I am really hoping that i will be able to make it since this will be the first major holiday that the girls have been back home!

Signing off now,

*smooches* Ravn!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Hey guys, I know it has been pretty quiet on this end and for that, I sincerely apologize. I have been kinda busy IRL (I know, it sucks) with work and doctors and kids. I am quitting smoking, kinda have to with a baby on the way. Plus, it has gotten to the point where it just makes me sick to my stomach whenever I smoke. I am feeling pretty good about it except for the whole "Now I am constantly congested" part whenever you first quit. The doctor put my due date at April 7, 2010. I think that is a little early as it is based off my last period. I really do NOT want to be in the hospital on my birthday, which is April 8th.

I also got involved with a photography project. It is a year of life, in pictures. It is actually pretty cool. You can find it at Envisage 2009. If you are interested, you can find my pictures under the tag Soror Ravn ^_^

School is going well for the kids. Lilith and Isis are both liking it well. As I said, Lilith was elected for student council and is playing the violin in the orchestra. Isis is not quite old enough yet to be involved with those things but she is doing just as well.


Thursday, September 3, 2009

My mini politician

Well this week has been a busy one to say the least. I started a one year photography project, you can check it out at You can find my pictures under SororRavn. ^_^

I also rented Lilith a violin this week so that she can start orchestra. Today was her first day. Now I have to get her the books that she needs for class.

The big news this week though is that my daughter, Lilith, was elected to her school's student council! Last week, she went around and collected signatures from her teachers, classmates, and friends, as well as my own. She and I also worked on a speech together that came out really well, IMHO. I got home from work today and the big news is that she got elected! She had to get up today in front of her class to give the speech on why she is the best lady for the job.

That is all for now. Hope you have a great weekend!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Idiotic people

As most people already know, I WAS a drug addict. I say "was" because I have been sober for about a year and a half now and have no desire to start using again at all. I successfully completed outpatient rehab in April of 2009 as well as a court-order drug education/prevention course over a weekend.
I am also an atheist and proud of that fact. I am NOT an agnostic as most people would like to label me. I do not feel the need for a higher power because I am my own higher power.
Now that you have a little background on me, let me get into what inspired this post today.
Yesterday, at work, I was talking to some of my co-workers and we were discussing the news. Somehow, the topic of drugs came up. Now, when I was using, my drug of choice was methamphetamine. I had read an article a couple of days ago that mentioned a new method of making meth had been discovered that required no fire and has been dubbed the "shaker method." I mentioned this to the people that I was talking to and one of my supervisors made the comment that I know a lot about this stuff. Never being one to shy away from my past, I responded that I had used for years and that it was only natural that I know this stuff.
No biggie, right? Not at all. This did not phase me one bit.
We got started talking about 12 step programs. He asked me if I was involved in any and I told him, no. Asked why, I then told him that I do not believe in a higher power and will not involve myself with an organization that requires submission to one. This guy, seriously would not take the answer that I am on atheist at all. he INSISTED that I was agnostic. He then asked me if I "believed in Wiccan?" I told him that I was Wiccan many years ago but was now an atheist. His response? "Well, there ya go, believe in Wiccan!" honestly, can you get any more hard headed.
The part that pissed me off the most was this though: this man actually had the NERVE to tell me that because I did not and refuse to go through a 12 step program, that I will FAIL. I will have him and everyone know that I am too strong and have come too fucking far on this journey to fail at this point. I refuse to submit to a "higher power" and admit that I am powerless when it comes to this drug. All this, I am powerless bullshit is just that, BULLSHIT! I am a human being with a brain and the will power to say no to this drug.
OK - thanks for listening folks, I feel better now

Friday, August 28, 2009

Signage rants

Tuesday, after dropping the kids off at school and on our way to court, we passed a church. This church had a sign outside that instructed people to "Hug your Bible." Wednesday, this same sign proclaimed "The Bible is #1" and that "Man is #2." What happened to man being at the top of the food chain and what lame brain came up with this idea, is what I wanted to know. So, being who I am, I posted this on another site that I am on. A brother then asked me if this was part of a campaign call I am Second.

I did some research on this and determined that it is a group of churches who seem to have rededicated themselves to God. They seem to have a pretty big following considering the fact that the only groups that I can find are all located in North Texas, in the Dallas/Ft Worth region.

This brings me to another point: churches that seemed to have decided that the world needs some of that "old-time religion." I seemed to have located one here in Tempe. The Faithful Word Baptist Church boasts on its website:

"We believe that life begins at conception (fertilization) and reject all forms of abortion including surgical abortion, "morning-after" pills, IVF (In Vitro Fertilization), birth control pills, and all other processes that end life after conception."
"We believe that homosexuality is a sin and an abomination which God punishes with the death penalty."

I would like to believe that I live in a somewhat progressive city. Being a college town tends to make people a little more accepting of their fellow human beings. I think that I have been proven wrong by the existence of this church. It is always nice to know that there are some people out there that think you should die simply because you love or even lust after someone of the same sex as yourself.

Ok - so this turned into a rant about more than I expected it to, my apologies for that. I will leave with this image:



Friday, August 21, 2009

Girls' Night In

Well, tonight was a SMASHING success! The kids had a movie night at school but we were unable to go due to me being sick and really not wanting to be out and about. Instead we decided to have movie night here at home and watch Bedtime Stories. This was the same movie that they were showing at the school so I opted to watch it as well so that the girls would not feel too left out. Well, we ended up inviting a couple of their friends over and had sandwiches, popcorn, ice cream, candy and root beer! We all had a great time and the movie ended with Journey's Don't Stop Believing as the song during the credits. Of course, all the girls knew the song and we all got up and started dancing and singing to it. It was really awesome!
Honestly, if you get the chance, watch this movie. If you have kiddos, watch it with them. It is a really cute movie and a neat concept. Basically it is about this guy, his niece and nephew, and the stories that they tell at bedtime. The stories end up coming true in some respect and it is an interesting concept to think about. In my opinion, it is a form of positive visualization that could work well if properly applied. (Not to get TOO new agey on you guys, LOL)
Anyways, that is all for tonight. Hope you all have an awesome weekend!

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Ten things we don't understand about humans

I was reading my blogs today and ran across these articles on New Scientist. Thought that I would share them with you. ^_^ Enjoy

I always thought that blushing was a way to show some form of excitement. Why else would women spend so much money on rouge every year? As a species, blood rushes to the surface of our skin when we are sexually aroused so what is to say that it will not do the same when we are excited in other ways as well?

In my opinion, laughter is meant as a form of defense (ie nervous or embarrassed laughter) or a form of bonding, such as laughing together over an inside joke.

Pubic Hair
'Nuff said

My thought on this one is that the teenaged years were a time for the child to individuate from the parent and thus offer a greater chance for survival.

In my opinion, dreams are a time for us to allow the subconscious mind offer assistance to solving issues that the conscious mind is having trouble with. They also seem to be a way for us to relive the days events and put them in perspective.

Personally, I do not think that there are any true altruists. Even if you are doing something because it is good to do, you are still getting a sense of "do-gooding" out of it.

OK - sometimes, this one escapes even me. There is quite a bit out there that is considered "art" that I personally this is nothing but utter crap.

Superstition is an interesting subject. One thing that it seems to be is a form of causal determination, such as wearing the same shirt to every game since that was the shirt that you were wearing when your team won the big game.

This seems to relate back to bonding. It seems that when we were born, our mothers would kiss us and therefore, kissing brings back similar feelings.

OK - you got me. I have nothing to add to this one. LOL


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

First day of school

Well, today was the girls first day of school. They really enjoyed it and are looking forward to the rest of the year. Fortunately, for them, they do not have to deal with the bureaucratic BULLSHIT that goes on in the background. Because I do not have their birth certificates yet, Franklin Schools was supposed to fax over their records to the new school. I called them yesterday to have the info faxed over. Got to the school this morning and did not see them on the class rosters. I went to the office to find out what class they were supposed to be in and Franklin had STILL not faxed the info over. This was after calling them yesterday and telling them that I needed the birth certificates faxed over ASAP. Two calls this morning later and I am finally informed that they did not actually have the girls' birth certificates!
Being concerned at this, I asked the woman how the girls attended school up there without them and was informed that since they were foster children, they did not necessarily need all of those documents! WOW! Gotta love that shit, right? My question is this: how in the HELL did they attend the first school without that documentation? Fortunately, I was able to go ahead and get them enrolled in class and they were able to attend the first day of classes without any further issues.
On a completely related note, my mother is fucking amazing. I am having Dylan send her the money tomorrow and she is going to send me their birth certificates tomorrow. It is really awesome how she can come through for me like that.
With that, I am leaving you with a picture of the kids on their first day of school!

Friday, August 7, 2009


As promised, I finally uploaded all my pictures from our outing on the 31st up in the Arizona mountains. You can find them here:

Mingus Mount and Jerome


Saturday, August 1, 2009

A few pictures from Gold King Mine Ghost Town

As promised, here is a few pictures from our trip yesterday. Enjoy!

This is the entrance to the gift shop that leads to the Ghost Town. While I was taking this picture, Isis called me a cow butt and told me to hurry up, LOL.

Lilith and Isis sitting in the back of one of the old gas tankers. I thought this was neat because it folds out into a little room on the back of the trailer so that the truckers could sleep, eat, rest, or whatever!

Taken in front of an old school house. Inside, on the left wall are letters from kids who have gotten to go check it out. On one of the desks, there is a dunce cap ^_^

Took this picture and a few others on other fire trucks for my Dad since he is a retired fireman. Girls really enjoyed taking these pictures and I hope that he likes them as well.


Homeward bound

Yesterday was the big day. The kids officially moved back home. Instead of just coming straight home last night, we opted to go on a drive through the mountains. We ended up taking the kids up to Mingus Lake and through Mingus Mount. It was a total blast! We ended up at the highest point being 7023 feet up the mountain! Talk about ears popping! Coming back down and headed toward Jerome, AZ the road was super windy. (We were coming down a mountain after all, LOL) Lilith started to get a little sick on the curves so we pulled over before getting there so that she could get out and walk around a little bit.
Jerome was amazing. There is the Gold King Mine Ghost Town that we got to check out that was totally freaking cool. My dad is a retired fireman so I got several pictures of Lilith and Isis on three different types of old fire trucks and sent them to him. I figure that will get a smile or two out of him. ^_^ I also got some great pictures of the kids just messing around and in front of an old school house. Right now I am blogging this from work so I will post a link to the pictures later, when I get home.
After Jerome, we decided to have a picnic at Camp Verde. Unfortunately, there was not much to see there or do without forking over a lot of cash so we just chilled and enjoyed the cooler weather and the shade. (A rarity out here in the desert)
Almost 10 hours later, we finally reach home. I was completely worn out and exhausted but managed to stay awake for another hour or so before I decided it was nap time. Thankfully, the kids let me sleep for about 30 minutes or so which was not only much appreciated but also much needed!
Well, that is all for now. Like I said, I will post the pictures from yesterday online later tonight and will post a link to them so that anyone who is interested will be able to see them.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Star Trek

I feel accomplished. I know this sounds really lame but I finally completed the Burger King Star Trek toys collection. Just got Spock's ship in the mail. I am totally excited because this would be the first time that I have completed a collection like this. I know some people out there would not open the packages so that they will rise in value but I do not see the point in having something if you cannot enjoy it. So now, I have all of the kids' meals toys plus Captain Kirk and Spock drinking glasses.
Here is a picture for all to enjoy. ^_^

Thursday, July 23, 2009

July 31st

So, for those of you who are keeping up, the girls are finally moving back home on July 31st! It has been a long and winding road (to quote the Beatles) To give you some background on what happened, in January of 2008, the kids were taken into CPS custody because of an issue that their father and I had with drug usage. I have gotten clean and been sober for little over a year now, left their father because he would not stop using, met a great guy that I deeply care about and in general, loving life! Got a new apartment, that is all mine, that I am paying rent on by myself, and totally making into a new home for myself and my kids.
I am really excited about them finally coming back home. I have already found out what school that they will be going to and everything. Once I get the change of physical custody from CPS from the foster mother's home to mine, I will be able to enroll them in school!
That is all for this update, more to come later.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


I found out yesterday that I am finally getting the kids back next month! For those of you who have been reading for a while or have known me for a while, you know that it has been a long year and a half. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it has the smiling faces of my two beautiful daughters embedded in it. Tuesday morning, I had therapy with Lilith and then Debbie and I brought the kids down to Phoenix for the overnight visit, since they spend the night with me on Tuesdays. We had a great session and I think that we learned a little bit more about each other.
OK - so I have rambled off my original reason for this post so let's get back on track.

I am on the phone with Granny on Wednesday afternoon, kids are at the neighbor's playing with friends. I am sitting in the computer room about to get off the phone with Granny.
I notice that I have some new email so I naturally switch over to that tab and see an email from my old therapist. Excitedly, I tell Granny that I have some good news. I open the email and it is welcoming me back to her caseload!
What does this mean, you might ask -
This means that once we get the opening meeting out of the way, the kids will be back home within 30 days! We are trying to meet on Monday in order to get the ball rolling on this so that they can move back in with me!

So, I am going to ask a HUGE favor from all of you,
Keep myself and my kids in your thoughts, please? Wish us a happy reunion and a return to normalcy.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Space Shuttle Launch

So today is the launch of the space shuttle Endeavor. I have been following NASA as well as one of the astronauts that will be aboard the shuttle on Twitter for a while now. The last time that the shuttle was supposed to launch, it was delayed due to weather and the discovery of a leak in the fuel tank (I think). I am psyched about this launch as the last one that I actually watched on TV was the Challenger back in school when it blew up on take off! This time, I am going to get to share in this amazing day with my daughters, one of whom is contemplating becoming an astronaut. I really hope that I get home in time to see it!



To Greg:

What's up, fucker?


Friday, July 10, 2009


Laptop is fucked right now. Last update to the OS killed my touchpad. Need to figure out how to roll the updates back so I can get it back. Anyone here good with Linux? Running Ubuntu netbook/Jaunty Jackalope and could use some advice.

Good news

Well, it looks as though the referral for the reunification team was made. Once that is in place, CPS will have 30 days to get the kids back home. Once the kids are back home, I am sure that I will still have to deal with CPS but they will once again be back in my custody. I am super excited. Get to see the girls tonight for a few hours.
Looks like I am going to be making weekly trips up to Dewey/Prescott now in order to participate in their therapy sessions with them. I feel like we are making some progress with therapy as Lilith is more open to talking with me about how she is feeling and letting me know that she is ready to come back home. ^_^
That is all for now.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Bucket List

1) Regain custody of my children
2) Earn my PhD in genetics
3) see my children grow into happy, healthy adults
4) Learn 2 foreign languages
5) Get my teeth taken care of and fixed
6) Visit Mexico
7) Visit a border town
8) Travel to Europe
9) Get my picture taken with Ronald McDonald
10) Stay up all night and watch the sunrise with someone I truly care about
11) Live on the East Coast for a year
12) Get at least two more tattoos
13) Buy a house in the middle of nowhere so that I have somewhere to escape to
14) Eat more veggies
15) Lose about 40 pounds
16) Take a cross country road trip
17) Visit the Grand Canyon
18) Visit the place where the meteor hit here in AZ
19) Learn how to code Linux
20) Wear a dress more often
21) Learn how to better code websites
22) Create a new website
23) See the poetry I have written get published in a book

More to come later as I decide to update this.

Sunday, June 28, 2009


Hmmm.....what gives you the fucking right to contact me now? Do you think that the restraining order has been lifted? It is really fucking sad that you decided to turn your life around now that we are no longer together. No matter how hard I try, I will always love you and I fucking hate myself for that. I hate myself for loving you no matter what you did to me or to yourself. I hate you for deciding that the drugs were more important than our family and our children. I am seeing a really great guy now and adore him just as much as he adores me. He has a son that is awesome and thinks that I am really cool and told me as much ^_^ I decided a while back that I was over you and from now on, I will not let you have any control over my life. I have moved on and am happy again, happier than I have been in a long time. I have a new home that I am making for myself and our children that no longer has any remnants of you. A fresh new home, a fresh new start and it feels fucking great. From this point on, you will no longer have any fucking control over me and my emotions. Goodbye, fucker.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Fucking thieves

So far, I have been doing really well learning how to budget. This means that I have been keeping a keen eye on the money that I spend. One of the ways that I do this is I get a daily update from the card company with my current balance. I noticed today that my balance was a little over $20 less than it was when I checked my balance after my last purchase yesterday. Come to find out, someone had sniped my fucking card number and used it to sign up for some email service aty and for a dating site called! Honestly, i use fucking Gmail for Buddha's sake, why would I pay for an email service?? As far as dating is concerned, none of the sites that I ever used were paid for and I have a boyfriend now so there is no need for a fucking dating site! I canceled the card but now I have no access to the funds that are still on there until I get the new card. I am so ready for this day to be over and I really hope that I get my new card in time to pay for rent next week or I am going to be totally fucked. Now to work on getting these two charges taken off of my account. This should be fun as one has already told me to talk to the company that issued my card and the company that issued my card told me to talk to the vendor. *sigh* Time to go home and hit up the pool with the girls.*smooches*

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

Yesterday, I went to see the new Transformers movie. I just want to say that it is fucking awesome, a total nerdgasm! We went to the showing at 9am and the theater was packed. Maximum occupancy was 604 and there were maybe 50 seats open once the movie started! If you saw the first Transformers movie, I STRONGLY suggest that you go see this one as well. You will not be disappointed. I absolutely loved this movie and so did the kids. Lilith and Orion were sitting on the edge of their seats during just about the whole thing and Isis was sitting there with her elephant so that he could watch it as well. Considering that Isis liked the first one OK but did not love it, she loved this one. The special affects were spectacular and the story line was defintely interesting. I enjoyed the way that story was done and thought that this was a nice addition to the series.

Father's Day update

Well, I thought that I would go ahead and update you guys on how Father's day went this past weekend. Dylan and Orion spent the night Saturday night. Sunday morning, after wishing Dylan a happy father's day, I called my dad. I was unable to get him on the phone so left him a voicemail wishing him the same. Called Granny so that I could talk to PawPaw and wish him a happy father's day and since my Uncle Harold was there, I also told him the same. When Lilith and Isis showed up, I let them call my dad and left him another voicemail with them telling him happy father's day. All in all, I think that I made the right decision. I am putting together his package tonight and sending it to him from the three of us. I hope that he likes it. It is a tshirt that says "Dad to the Bone" LOL

Friday, June 19, 2009

Father's Day

As Father's Day approaches, I am sitting here wondering how I am going to handle it this year. This will be the first year that my children are not going to be able to see their Dad on Father's Day. Considering the fact that I will have the kids that day, I am nervous about how to approach the subject if it comes up. Also, if it does not come up, should I bring it up? I do not know if they will be doing anything at the foster mom's house. I know that I got my dad a father's day gift. Should I say that it is from all three of us and send it to him, letting them sign the package? If I do let them have a part in sending my dad, their grandfather, a gift, what kind of affect will that have on them and not being able to celebrate with their own father? We did celebrate Mother's day and Lilith's birthday, but then again, there was someone in the home who we were celebrating! Should I go ahead and exclude them from celebrating it with their grandfather, and if I did, what kind of message am I sending them? Anybody out there got any suggestions or who have been in a similar situation that might be able to shed some light on my own dilemma? Thanks for reading, *smooches*

Friday, June 12, 2009

Trekkie Kids

Saw this on GeekDad today and immediately thought of my mother. Not really that she did any of these, just that she is the person most responsible for my current level of geekiness.

Thursday, June 11, 2009


So, even though we have a very casual relationship, I am finding myself jealous of the girl that he is out with right now. We have talked about this and neither one of us really wants anything serious. I even talked to the girl that he is out with right now, letting her know that she has nothing to worry about with him! I have known him for about a year or so and was vouching for his safety-ness, LOL. I am not the chick who is supposed to get attached like this. Honestly, what the hell is going on here? I am jealous of the time that he is spending with her. Even though, he is coming back here tonight. I am finding myself becoming very attached to him. I realized that the other night when I dreamed about him. I have not dreamed about guy since my ex. When he spends the night here (and he is the only guy I have ever let do that, except one) I enjoy the time that we spend together. I relish waking up with his arms wrapped around me. I even got mad at him last night for texting her while we were together! And I don't mean like a little mad, I mean a great big green-eyed monster welled up and I had to choke it back down! I finally told him that when we are together, that is my time, no one else's. I think that it is fair and I will do the same for him. I thought that I was over this stupid emotion, but apparently I still have a bit to learn. If I can't get over this feeling with a casual lover, how am I supposed to get over it with a permanent one? Am I just not meant to find love again? I know this is kinda sappy but I had to get it out of me. Thanks for listening. *smooches*

Coming out

So, thanks to some help from booze and friends, I have successfully staved off total seclusion mode for the time being. Took the girls swimming yesterday. I got in the water a little bit but ended up getting completely sunburned! The tops of my legs are itchy, my back is radiating heat, and so are my shoulders. Fortunately, I had some aloe vera gel to put on them yesterday and some help putting it on. It is funny because now I have some odd tan lines. The top to my suit is strapless but does have a tie that comes up from the breasts to tie around my neck. So now, I have two white strips that look like they are emanating from my chest to my neck, LOL. Good news! I weighed myself on Wednesday and I reached my goal of losing 5 pounds this week! Totally excited about that. It means that I am on my way to a much healthier and even sexier self ^_^

Sunday, June 7, 2009


I feel like I am dropping into seclusion mode again This is not a a good thing. Usually when I get this feeling coming over me, I totally drop off the grid for a day or two. This one feels like it is going to be a lot longer, which is never good. I am not sure what is bringing it on this time. I think that it is deeper than just a wanting to get away for a little bit and be by myself like most people I know get. This is much bigger and seems much more sinister. I feel like using again but I know that is NOT a good idea. I am trying to figure out what is causing this and unfortunately, I am not having any luck. Anyways, I am dropping out for a couple of days. If you don't hear from me after a couple of days, message me to make sure that I am all right, please?

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Good thought for the day

I know that weight is just a number on a scale but I finally broke down today and picked one up. So, starting weight for the diet is 215 pounds. Not bad considering I thought that I weighed about 240 or so. Did some more walking today. Felt really good. I think that what I am going to do is walking one day and swimming the next. Break up the monotony so that my body does not get used to one type of exercise. Probably be for the best so that I can lose the weight faster. Also thinking about starting up the P90X system once I get into better shape that way I don't have a bunch of flab hanging off me. I am really excited and now that I have a scale, I am going to weigh myself about once a week so that I can see if I am making any progress. I have already cut down on the sodas and am drinking only diet sodas when I do have one; except for the occasional root beer, LOL. The kids are also excited about the fact that I am gettig serious about losing weight. I think they really want to see me happy and healthy again. I am thinking that I want to lose about 50 pounds as my ultimate goal. Breaking that down into weekly goals should make it easier. Then I will be down to my pre-baby weight. Just gotta be on top of it this time. Here's to hoping that I do not get discouraged!

"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth."

These words were spoken by Henry David Thoreau. Today, they just seem to resonate with me down to my very core. I think that it has to do with the issues that I am dealing with regarding my ex. All that I ever really asked of him was that he be honest with me. It seems that he could not even do that. I admit that when we split up the first time, I fucked up - royally. However, when we split for good, it was because he would not quit using and decided to go and fuck the chick that he dated when we were split up the first time. After I left, I missed him terribly. I used to have nightmares about growing old alone and wished that he would come back to me. As stupid as that sounds, I hate typing it even now. At this point in my life, we have been separated for about a year and I have come to a point where I am comfortable with the fact that I am single. I miss having someone to curl up next to at night when I go to sleep and waking up in someone's arms. One man that I am currently dating does spend the night on a regular basis, usually once or twice a week. I treasure the moments when I am melting into sleep, wrapped together with him and waking up, feeling his arms around me. Ok - so this went on a total ramble, sorry about that. Things have been a little weird lately.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Visit with the girls

The kids got to stay the night again tonight. I took them swimming today and we had a blast. I finally got a suit and got in the pool with them. It was a lot of fun. I flipped Lilith off backwards off of my shoulders a few times. I had forgotten how much fun that is! I totally got ambushed in the pool by them as well. They both ganged up on me and sunk me underwater! I did not take them swimming last year and they have both gotten a lot stronger than they were the last time that we went to the pool! Right now, Lilith and I took turn playing Guitar Hero 2. She has gotten pretty good at it and has decided to start playing it for real and created a band. She decided to name it the Rockin' Monkeys! LOL. Nu-Isis has decided that her favorite song on the game is Shout at the Devil and she loves to dance around while Lilith and I are playing. Now I need to build up her confidence so that she will start playing with us. I think that the reason she does not play yet is because she is concerned that she will not be able to do it. I think I am going to try to get her started playing it on the DS. Maybe since she would not be playing in front of everyone, it will help build up her confidence.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Nobody's Sunbeam

Why do I still let you get to me?

Why do I still let you hunt me so?

I have demonized to myself

So I can finally let you go.

I thought that I was over you

I guess I will never truly be

Deep down, in my heart of hearts

You still mean the world to me

While unpacking some more stuff today

I found something that you had given me

It reminded me of the good times we shared,

Of the way things used to be.

We spent nearly ten years together

We had our ups and downs

I remember how happy I was

To be coming back to this town

You gave it to me when I got off the bus

It was just a silly little thing

It brought back a flood of memories

Of just how well you knew me

Even as I sit here writing this

A year, we have been apart

It pains me to know

That you can still break my heart

I miss the times when things were good

And we got along so well.

When will I ever be over you?

Only time will tell.

I know in the end,

That I am better off now

Late at night, when I sit here alone,

I still think about you, even now.

I want this feeling to stop

I thought that I was finally over you

I think that I will never be

Anyone else's Sunbeam.

Saturday, May 30, 2009


Went swimming last night. I was out there for a couple of hours. It was awesome. I have not been swimming since I lived with my parents back in 2006! Starting on Monday, I am starting my diet in earnest and going to be adding swimming in as part of my exercise regimen. I am hoping that with all the walking that I am doing, I will be able to trim down this summer and get back to the way my body was before I had children. I do not want to lose much weight, only about 40 or 50 pounds. I want to lose the weight by Christmas so there is not a whole of of pressure to lose it fast so that I can do it the healthy way. I did, however, purchase a weight loss supplement, Acaiberry. I am going to be using it as a jumpstart to my diet.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

To the pool

Well, I finally broke down today and bought a swimsuit. I realized that it had been a couple of years since I bought one. It was awesome because I had to buy a smaller size than I did last time. It is an awesome feeling. I am hoping that with this will come some additional weight loss. I am feeling good about myself again and it feels good to be losing the extra weight. Planning on hitting the pool for the first time this summer, tomorrow. This time, I am actually looking forward to it!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Complete, utter helplessness

Holy shit! Last night was a fucking trip. Went out with a friend, got a flat tire, had a few drinks, and damn near got my ass kicked. It made me realise that I am not completely over my ex. I have never been someone to back down in a fight but last night was really scary. Being yelled at and threatened to be knocked out cold was one of the scariest things that has happened to me so far. While I really like the guy that I went out with last night, I despise his friend for bringing that out in me and reducing me to a state of complete helplessness and for making me feel no bigger than an ant. It did make me realise that I need to take some sort of self-defence class so that I do not have to feel like that ever again! I wish that I was more over him. I thought that I was already. I know for a fact that I never want to be with him again but I hate the fact that based on the way that he treated me in the end something simple and small like a confrontation can send me back to that time when we were together. I need to learn how to get over it and get over it quickly.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Big 10!

My oldest child, Lilith, turned the big 10 on Friday. Got to see them on Saturday, which was really nice. We did not do much but had some KFC, Isis and I made Rainbow Cake, and Lilith rocked out to some Guitar Hero 2. She did really well considering that it was her first time playing. I am really proud of the way that she took her time and went through the tutorials to actually learn how to play the game. She had a lot of fun as did I.
It honestly seems like it has not been 10 years already. Thinking back to when she was first born, I am amazed at the fact that I have a 10 year old. When I got pregnant with her, I was always the one to say that I did not want children. Not just then but ever. It is really odd how things turn out. Lilith has turned out to be a beautiful and intelligent child. She can hold her own in conversation with not only other children but also adults and always has been able to. She also has an inquisitive mind and is curious about the world around her. She is constantly learning and I love the fact that she allows me to be involved with her on that level. If she does not understand something or wants to know more about it, then she is willing to come to me and ask me about it. If I do not know the answer then she makes me look it up so that we can both learn something new.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Human DNA Source Code

* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
* (C) God
/* Revision history:
* 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit
* messy –will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code
* from elephant-dna.c
* 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements — skin color
* made darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra ‘wisdom’
* teeth Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high
* population density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in
* centra of CD.
/* Standard definitions
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features.
#include “mother.h”
#include “father.h”
#infndef FATHER
#warn(”Father unknown — guessing\n”)
#include “bastard.h”
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
/* Kludged code — I’ll re-design this lot and re-write it as a
* proper library sometime soon.
struct genitals
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
/* Initialization bootstrap routine — called before DNA duplication.
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the
* organism to display at birth.
* Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Star Trek

I went to see Star Trek yesterday. Admittedly, I have been a fan since The Next Generation and was not too familiar with the original Star Trek. It was an excellent movie! If you have not seen it yet, you should. I loved every bit of it. Honestly, it would be a great movie to spark an interest in the series. It certainly rekindled mine. Thinking back on it, I realized that a lot of my geekier aspects, from a love of sci-fi to a love of gaming comes from, oddly enough, my mother. I remember that it was my mother who got me into gaming from the original NES system. We got the system for Christmas the year that it came out and my mother would play just as much if not more than I would. I remember wanting to play in order to be just as good as she was at it. I never could beat her at Mario and to this day, many moons later, I have never met anyone who could play Super Mario Bros the way that she could. Mom also got me involved with a lot of Sci-Fi from Star Trek to Highlander and believe it or not, Nickelodeon's Are You Afraid of the Dark. Those two shows, turns out, bloosomed into a full fledged love for Twilight Zone, The Outer Limits, Stargate, the X-Files, Twin Peaks, and a whole host of other shows that can be found primarily on The Sci-Fi Channel, Discovery, and the History Channel. It was my dad who was the EMT/fireman, but it was my mother who would stay up late at night with me on the weekends and watch the surgeries on the Discovery Channel. OK - so I realized that this post was originally supposed to be about the movie that I saw and it totally turned into a post about my mother. I think that is ok because I totally <3 her. ^_^

Monday, May 18, 2009

If Mondays were not Fridays.....

I would hate them so! At least, it is Friday for me. YAY! Finally getting really settled into my new place. I love the fact that there is a Fresh and Easy store within walking distance. Also have a Burger King (YAY Star Trek!) Family Dollar, and a game shop all within the same shopping center. I ended up getting a PS2, Dreamcast, and God of War 2 the other day. Now I have more excuses not to clean, LOL. I tried to go see Obama when he spoke at ASU's graduation Wednesday night but was unable to make it in. So instead, we went drinking. I realized that I have not had that much to drink in a while. Got kicked out of my first bar. I am not sure if that is an accomplishment or what, lol.

Friday, May 8, 2009


Well, so far I have been hitting about 2 miles of walking every other day. Feeling pretty good about it. One of the guys at work and I are now in a contest to see who can lose weight the fastest. I honestly want to lose about 40 pounds, then I will be ecstatic. I mean, honestly, I look pretty damn hot now but if I could lose these few extra pounds I would be totally smoking!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Day 1

Walking today. I ended up walking 2.2 miles total to the grocery store and back. Felt good and am glad that I did it. I love the fact that I have this nifty little My Tracks app on my phone that I can actually use to track just how far I am walking as well as the path that I am using. When I got back home, my entire body tingled with that rush of endorphins and I felt great! This quickly wore off when I realized that I could not get back to sleep! Folks, I work overnights and I am currently doing what I can to stay awake right now. I have recently cut all soda from my diet in an effort to lose weight as well. I am drinking tea in order to keep my caffeine intake normal. I am hoping to ween myself off of caffeine entirely within a short period of time. I have also recently quit smoking and am finding that it is so much easier to breathe. I am really enjoying trying to get healthy. Next thing to go while I diet, my beloved chocolate!