1) Regain custody of my children
2) Earn my PhD in genetics
3) see my children grow into happy, healthy adults
4) Learn 2 foreign languages
5) Get my teeth taken care of and fixed
6) Visit Mexico
7) Visit a border town
8) Travel to Europe
9) Get my picture taken with Ronald McDonald
10) Stay up all night and watch the sunrise with someone I truly care about
11) Live on the East Coast for a year
12) Get at least two more tattoos
13) Buy a house in the middle of nowhere so that I have somewhere to escape to
14) Eat more veggies
15) Lose about 40 pounds
16) Take a cross country road trip
17) Visit the Grand Canyon
18) Visit the place where the meteor hit here in AZ
19) Learn how to code Linux
20) Wear a dress more often
21) Learn how to better code websites
22) Create a new website
23) See the poetry I have written get published in a book
More to come later as I decide to update this.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Hmmm.....what gives you the fucking right to contact me now? Do you think that the restraining order has been lifted? It is really fucking sad that you decided to turn your life around now that we are no longer together. No matter how hard I try, I will always love you and I fucking hate myself for that. I hate myself for loving you no matter what you did to me or to yourself. I hate you for deciding that the drugs were more important than our family and our children. I am seeing a really great guy now and adore him just as much as he adores me. He has a son that is awesome and thinks that I am really cool and told me as much ^_^ I decided a while back that I was over you and from now on, I will not let you have any control over my life. I have moved on and am happy again, happier than I have been in a long time. I have a new home that I am making for myself and our children that no longer has any remnants of you. A fresh new home, a fresh new start and it feels fucking great. From this point on, you will no longer have any fucking control over me and my emotions. Goodbye, fucker.
Friday, June 26, 2009
So far, I have been doing really well learning how to budget. This means that I have been keeping a keen eye on the money that I spend. One of the ways that I do this is I get a daily update from the card company with my current balance. I noticed today that my balance was a little over $20 less than it was when I checked my balance after my last purchase yesterday. Come to find out, someone had sniped my fucking card number and used it to sign up for some email service aty Fastmail.fm and for a dating site called Zoosk.com! Honestly, i use fucking Gmail for Buddha's sake, why would I pay for an email service?? As far as dating is concerned, none of the sites that I ever used were paid for and I have a boyfriend now so there is no need for a fucking dating site! I canceled the card but now I have no access to the funds that are still on there until I get the new card. I am so ready for this day to be over and I really hope that I get my new card in time to pay for rent next week or I am going to be totally fucked. Now to work on getting these two charges taken off of my account. This should be fun as one has already told me to talk to the company that issued my card and the company that issued my card told me to talk to the vendor. *sigh* Time to go home and hit up the pool with the girls.*smooches*
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Yesterday, I went to see the new Transformers movie. I just want to say that it is fucking awesome, a total nerdgasm! We went to the showing at 9am and the theater was packed. Maximum occupancy was 604 and there were maybe 50 seats open once the movie started! If you saw the first Transformers movie, I STRONGLY suggest that you go see this one as well. You will not be disappointed. I absolutely loved this movie and so did the kids. Lilith and Orion were sitting on the edge of their seats during just about the whole thing and Isis was sitting there with her elephant so that he could watch it as well. Considering that Isis liked the first one OK but did not love it, she loved this one. The special affects were spectacular and the story line was defintely interesting. I enjoyed the way that story was done and thought that this was a nice addition to the series.
Well, I thought that I would go ahead and update you guys on how Father's day went this past weekend. Dylan and Orion spent the night Saturday night. Sunday morning, after wishing Dylan a happy father's day, I called my dad. I was unable to get him on the phone so left him a voicemail wishing him the same. Called Granny so that I could talk to PawPaw and wish him a happy father's day and since my Uncle Harold was there, I also told him the same. When Lilith and Isis showed up, I let them call my dad and left him another voicemail with them telling him happy father's day. All in all, I think that I made the right decision. I am putting together his package tonight and sending it to him from the three of us. I hope that he likes it. It is a tshirt that says "Dad to the Bone" LOL
Friday, June 19, 2009
As Father's Day approaches, I am sitting here wondering how I am going to handle it this year. This will be the first year that my children are not going to be able to see their Dad on Father's Day. Considering the fact that I will have the kids that day, I am nervous about how to approach the subject if it comes up. Also, if it does not come up, should I bring it up? I do not know if they will be doing anything at the foster mom's house. I know that I got my dad a father's day gift. Should I say that it is from all three of us and send it to him, letting them sign the package? If I do let them have a part in sending my dad, their grandfather, a gift, what kind of affect will that have on them and not being able to celebrate with their own father? We did celebrate Mother's day and Lilith's birthday, but then again, there was someone in the home who we were celebrating! Should I go ahead and exclude them from celebrating it with their grandfather, and if I did, what kind of message am I sending them? Anybody out there got any suggestions or who have been in a similar situation that might be able to shed some light on my own dilemma? Thanks for reading, *smooches*
Friday, June 12, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
So, even though we have a very casual relationship, I am finding myself jealous of the girl that he is out with right now. We have talked about this and neither one of us really wants anything serious. I even talked to the girl that he is out with right now, letting her know that she has nothing to worry about with him! I have known him for about a year or so and was vouching for his safety-ness, LOL. I am not the chick who is supposed to get attached like this. Honestly, what the hell is going on here? I am jealous of the time that he is spending with her. Even though, he is coming back here tonight. I am finding myself becoming very attached to him. I realized that the other night when I dreamed about him. I have not dreamed about guy since my ex. When he spends the night here (and he is the only guy I have ever let do that, except one) I enjoy the time that we spend together. I relish waking up with his arms wrapped around me. I even got mad at him last night for texting her while we were together! And I don't mean like a little mad, I mean a great big green-eyed monster welled up and I had to choke it back down! I finally told him that when we are together, that is my time, no one else's. I think that it is fair and I will do the same for him. I thought that I was over this stupid emotion, but apparently I still have a bit to learn. If I can't get over this feeling with a casual lover, how am I supposed to get over it with a permanent one? Am I just not meant to find love again? I know this is kinda sappy but I had to get it out of me. Thanks for listening. *smooches*
So, thanks to some help from booze and friends, I have successfully staved off total seclusion mode for the time being. Took the girls swimming yesterday. I got in the water a little bit but ended up getting completely sunburned! The tops of my legs are itchy, my back is radiating heat, and so are my shoulders. Fortunately, I had some aloe vera gel to put on them yesterday and some help putting it on. It is funny because now I have some odd tan lines. The top to my suit is strapless but does have a tie that comes up from the breasts to tie around my neck. So now, I have two white strips that look like they are emanating from my chest to my neck, LOL. Good news! I weighed myself on Wednesday and I reached my goal of losing 5 pounds this week! Totally excited about that. It means that I am on my way to a much healthier and even sexier self ^_^
Sunday, June 7, 2009
I feel like I am dropping into seclusion mode again This is not a a good thing. Usually when I get this feeling coming over me, I totally drop off the grid for a day or two. This one feels like it is going to be a lot longer, which is never good. I am not sure what is bringing it on this time. I think that it is deeper than just a wanting to get away for a little bit and be by myself like most people I know get. This is much bigger and seems much more sinister. I feel like using again but I know that is NOT a good idea. I am trying to figure out what is causing this and unfortunately, I am not having any luck. Anyways, I am dropping out for a couple of days. If you don't hear from me after a couple of days, message me to make sure that I am all right, please?
Thursday, June 4, 2009
I know that weight is just a number on a scale but I finally broke down today and picked one up. So, starting weight for the diet is 215 pounds. Not bad considering I thought that I weighed about 240 or so. Did some more walking today. Felt really good. I think that what I am going to do is walking one day and swimming the next. Break up the monotony so that my body does not get used to one type of exercise. Probably be for the best so that I can lose the weight faster. Also thinking about starting up the P90X system once I get into better shape that way I don't have a bunch of flab hanging off me. I am really excited and now that I have a scale, I am going to weigh myself about once a week so that I can see if I am making any progress. I have already cut down on the sodas and am drinking only diet sodas when I do have one; except for the occasional root beer, LOL. The kids are also excited about the fact that I am gettig serious about losing weight. I think they really want to see me happy and healthy again. I am thinking that I want to lose about 50 pounds as my ultimate goal. Breaking that down into weekly goals should make it easier. Then I will be down to my pre-baby weight. Just gotta be on top of it this time. Here's to hoping that I do not get discouraged!
These words were spoken by Henry David Thoreau. Today, they just seem to resonate with me down to my very core. I think that it has to do with the issues that I am dealing with regarding my ex. All that I ever really asked of him was that he be honest with me. It seems that he could not even do that. I admit that when we split up the first time, I fucked up - royally. However, when we split for good, it was because he would not quit using and decided to go and fuck the chick that he dated when we were split up the first time. After I left, I missed him terribly. I used to have nightmares about growing old alone and wished that he would come back to me. As stupid as that sounds, I hate typing it even now. At this point in my life, we have been separated for about a year and I have come to a point where I am comfortable with the fact that I am single. I miss having someone to curl up next to at night when I go to sleep and waking up in someone's arms. One man that I am currently dating does spend the night on a regular basis, usually once or twice a week. I treasure the moments when I am melting into sleep, wrapped together with him and waking up, feeling his arms around me. Ok - so this went on a total ramble, sorry about that. Things have been a little weird lately.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
The kids got to stay the night again tonight. I took them swimming today and we had a blast. I finally got a suit and got in the pool with them. It was a lot of fun. I flipped Lilith off backwards off of my shoulders a few times. I had forgotten how much fun that is! I totally got ambushed in the pool by them as well. They both ganged up on me and sunk me underwater! I did not take them swimming last year and they have both gotten a lot stronger than they were the last time that we went to the pool! Right now, Lilith and I took turn playing Guitar Hero 2. She has gotten pretty good at it and has decided to start playing it for real and created a band. She decided to name it the Rockin' Monkeys! LOL. Nu-Isis has decided that her favorite song on the game is Shout at the Devil and she loves to dance around while Lilith and I are playing. Now I need to build up her confidence so that she will start playing with us. I think that the reason she does not play yet is because she is concerned that she will not be able to do it. I think I am going to try to get her started playing it on the DS. Maybe since she would not be playing in front of everyone, it will help build up her confidence.